You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
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When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
it was a valiant fight
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Feel. He’s so soft.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee