You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.