You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.