You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
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Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”