You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
You Might Also Like
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
A couple who are silly together stay together.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Hell yeah 👍
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees