You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
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Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.