@BritXNic: You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.
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@BradBroaddus: I just got booed off stage by a bunch of jerks that didn't appreciate my humor. That's the last time I'll do a eulogy.
@mansizedthumbs: Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name - The Ped-o-file
@jordan_stratton: Finally found a house! We couldn't afford it and it wasn't for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
@StrawburyDelite: Apparently, my office doesn't think the women's restroom needs a tampon disposal, so wrapped it up and put it in their suggestion box.