@BritXNic: You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.
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@YoungNobler: This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
@Playing_Dad: Me: Wanna hear a joke? Dog: sure Me: Knock knock *dog goes crazy barking at the door*
@OtherDanOBrien: Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.