You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
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A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Breaking news:
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”