You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
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waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
This why you should mind your business
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?