When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
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Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Traveler’s camo
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you