There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Life cycle of cat
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can