You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken