You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
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Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.