@dhumann: You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you've sighed six or seven times.
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@gingerfaced: [arrives in heaven] how'd you die? me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
@rickkondell: Things that don't kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
@upsidedowntrash: Mom: What are you hiding in there? -nuthin [Vin Diesel noises from closet] M: Is Vin Diesel in there? -...yes Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.