You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
You Might Also Like
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
can I use a minion as a tampon
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Buck naked
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon