You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
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I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Why font matters.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit