You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
let’s discuss
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.