You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
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Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I triple waxed for this?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
This is a sub tweet
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.