@ConanOBrien: You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
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@Super_Cynthia: In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror. In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
@rockymomax: TRAINER: you know what they say ME: no pain! lo mein! TRAINER: it's "no gain" ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
@LisaFarted: So I'm trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, "I will kill you in your sleep."
@ArfMeasures: [phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted? W: OMG M: I'm in a bar not far from there