You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
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I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.