@ConanOBrien: You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
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@CrazyUncIeJoe: How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.
@kyry5: [first day on the job as a drug dealer] *giggles* "We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?" *gets stabbed*
@jake_lach: Apparently, if she's refused to speak to you for two days your text should not be 'Why are you mad again?'
@notalogin: People who say "go big or go home" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day.