You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
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Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg