You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
welcome back
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN