@StarksWeek: You can tell Tim Horton's is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat.
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@myonlymizztake: When a CW is coming out of the men's room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that's the polite thing to do.
@Stellacopter: Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with "two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips."
@Social_Mime: I've been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.