*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
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Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Well, that should do it
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)