I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
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Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change