No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling