@RealCarrotFacts: You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won't know what you are doing because he's a carrot
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@SirEviscerate: [Airport terminal] *waits at baggage claim area* *an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel* *I check the tag to make sure it's mine*
@Donnie_Fairburn: "Son, hey son" Yeah dad? "Know why we named you Adopted?" *Sighs* Because I'm adop- "BECAUSE YOU'RE ADOPTED" Good one dad "I'm not your dad"
@SteveSuckington: "Sorry my phone died" -something I've said 5,326 times but it's never actually happened