@RealCarrotFacts: You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won't know what you are doing because he's a carrot
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@greg_vee: If I'd know I only had 4 decent tweets in me when I started, I'd have spread them out a little more.
@MavenofHonor: The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn't unpacking, it's the looming threat of nuclear war
@Brampersandon_: [bald eagles exchanging gifts] *holds out gift* You didn't get me a toupee again, did you? -Uhh... *slowly pulls gift back*
@BrettDruck: Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn't even close lupita nyong'o: that's my coffee