Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
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[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme