@RealCarrotFacts: You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won't know what you are doing because he's a carrot
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@Dutch_50: Ask someone how they're doing & they'll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
@djdarrellripley: Her: You have very beautiful hair. Me: Oh, you flirt! *Hands me her card* Her: If you're ever thinking about selling it, call me...
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How was your first day of school? 5-year-old: Long. Me: I'm sure tomorrow will be better. 5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
@Gre_Gone: [Entire house is full of trees] Girlfriend: What did you do?! Me: You told me to spruce things up. GF: Everything's stuck to everything!!!