@RealCarrotFacts: You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won't know what you are doing because he's a carrot
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@Smartassylassy: I've just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles... My next shit could spell disaster!
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife told me not to say anything about her friend's lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
@ieatanddrink: Dating tip: Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her "Im a lawyer.Or AM I?" then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
@Parentpains: According to the police report, waking up in your lover's arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.