Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
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THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping