I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
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o shit
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Where is your GOD now????
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?