You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.