Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?