When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
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Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Lmfao
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.