You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.