@JimmerThatisAll: You can't choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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@daemonic3: [gf comes home after spray tanning] Hey, orange you looking good! "Thanks" Anytime, pumpkin! "You're sweet" You're one in vermillion!
@TheWoodenslurpy: Oh, I see. "Adam and Steve" is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
@stacywawa1: I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore. I kinda want to date him now.
@zoevsuniverse: 4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant. I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said: "I never want to do that again."