@JimmerThatisAll: You can't choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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@theguydf: Me: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: I don't drink. Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
@hippieswordfish: it's easy as pie! 'what does that even mean?' *pie stumbles in drunk* pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge 'oh'
@HavocMantis: *at bank* I always think it's funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks Teller: "haha. First name?" *Pulls out gun* Robin