The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
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Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”