You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
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[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.