@Vanilla_cupcak: You can't fix stupid but you can divorce it
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@causticbob: It's my mate's birthday today. He doesn't drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We've got no idea how to celebrate it.
@Spaced_Cowboy00: I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How many legs does the dog have? 4 y.o: Five Me: There’s something wrong with your counting. 4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
@RobDenBleyker: "Poor" is an odd word because when you put it in front of "people" it's sad but when you put it in front of "bladder control" it's hilarious