You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
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Why do meteors always land in craters?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Incredible customer service.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Did…did a minotaur write this
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.