@RichHarris2: You can't force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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@HomeProbably: The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell. Now no one ever knocks on my door.
@Julian_Deane: We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
@TheCiscoKidder: Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
@Thynebear: [Obamacare Meeting] *Biden raises hand* *Obama sighs* Yes Joe? Will the doctor still have lollipops? Sure. *Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*