@RichHarris2: You can't force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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@spekulation: My phone corrects "haha" to "hahaha", so all my friends think they're 50% funnier than they actually are.
@jjhartinger: Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot. Me: Yes, I know. CW: It really bothers me. M: Apparently so. CW: You don't care. M: Apparently not.
@aka_fatman: Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
@ThaJawn: 5: There's a monster under my bed... I wouldn't be scared of monsters, I saw a video of snakes hunting in packs *kisses forehead* goodnight