@RichHarris2: You can't force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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@rachelle_mandik: Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn't be so angry.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why was that guy yelling at you? [flashback to me ignoring the "one per customer" sign] me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
@JermHimselfish: Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do.
@hippieswordfish: [calls wife] honey help 'whats wrong?' im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit 'ok just stop crying'