You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking