“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
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[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.