You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
You Might Also Like
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
It has been 3 years since Monday.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
This is my pinned tweet
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*