[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
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[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
*limbos under the caution tape
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.