Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

[montage of me giving-up]

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house