Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
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urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax