You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
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ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Who chose this font
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Said the murderer.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.