You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
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“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”