You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
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If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?