if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
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I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.