You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.