Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
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My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
im all 3
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left