How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Lmaoo 😂
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??