You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
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Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.