You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
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Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*