You deplete me
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A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Weirdly Wednesday.
technically true but not a great slogan
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
The hardest thing Vision has to do
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.