“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
You Might Also Like
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
my first day as a raccoon
Aaaa…CHOO!
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.