You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Fiction has to make sense.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.